le

yesterday i was ill and slept for hours and hours and hours and had so many dreams. i've been dreaming more, and sleepily reporting my dreams to oliver whenever i can.

burning man shook me loose from everything and i've been in such a fog. i didn't want to leave, i didn't want it to get bad and crowded and overwhelming either. it was everything i wanted to have old friends in camp with us, mingled amongst the new friends. it was so so so so good. people were so nice to me. once i spilled my mocha at center camp and helena fish who we'd just met hopped up to get me a new one before i could say anything. and i sat in the maps sanctuary with calamity and we chatted and she is so great. and robert brought all these awesome spray painted bikes and i claimed one and rode it all week. and i had really good poos all week. and on friday i got my period and it was okay but then saturday morning i woke up and the keeper was leaking and i was covered in blood and i just sat there and sobbed so deeply it was like eating food and it made me feel amazingly good to just get it out, all the upset and anger at my body and the shame of being so dirty and disgusting and animal and human and not perfect at all whatsoever.

and there was a lot of good food and a lot of good laying about in the heat. and being brought coffee and being fed pancakes, and cooking  a curry for everyone. and handing out cold carrots to passersby.

and there was some speeding across the playa on my bike at dawn, past the empty thunderdome, past the weary tripping stragglers, into the blue light and finding my favorite people waiting for me back at camp. and there was the feeling and sense and chest vibration of the steam engine starting, sparks flyiing, black dirty parts all comingled in heat and dust and whiskey and THE WHISTLE SO LOUD. and i made a huge pair of horns and dressed like a pagan princess and we rambled around the camps in our outfits. and oliver and i rode bikes out to uchronia and marveled at it and while we were there everyone was dancing insided and it was a perfect alien world and oliver heard someone say "i've been to a lot of parties all over the world but nothing like this."

and when the dust storm hit i played aphex twin and it was so perfect to hear it and see the alien landscape and the bizarre peace of people coming out of the whiteout into view then disappearing again.

and when i got home,  i was suddenly in the car with oof again, being shuttled violently through the streets of san francisco, and he turned up the music and i had this fairly intense moment of soaring happiness in my chest from him being here again. and then i was sick and i slept so deeply for so long in piles of pillows and woke up just long enough to wonder where i was and remember a snippet of a dream.

thought: it's no coincidence that my closest people are people i've slept with at one point or another. it engenders a specific kind of lasting trust for me. which is important because i don't like trusting people much. it's a chicken or egg problem, though.. did i sleep with them because we were meant to be close and it's just easy to sleep with a kindred spirit, or did we become emotionally close because we did it? who knows, i don't care. as i get older those kinds of flings have stopped (frownie) so i've got a finite pool of exes to hold hands with, and i'm so thankful for them being around.

crap i fucking stayed up too late AGAIN. if the world wasn't so fucking compelling this wouldn't happen.

i guess i just want people to attempt to get as deep inside of me as i try to get into them.

though, you get trained not to act that way as you get older. it's not very polite, being honest and intense and shit. but i don't know, we find each other, don't we?

dear vox,

tonight, i feel really bad about myself and very unattractive and undesirable. i'm concerned about this, and about the future of my sexual self, because so much of my sense of sexual identity in the last 10 years or even more has been based on being physically interesting and desirable to people. it's been at least somewhat based on the deep mirroring of seeing oneself through the eyes of another. i am not necessarily worried about being "pretty," but interesting, and intense, and very sexually MYSELF in the eyes of The Other, and, i don't feel that way right now, and i really don't know how to handle changes in this setup as my physical body changes and my life goes through phases of boringness.

i occasionally have spikes of fear about getting older - who will i be when i'm no longer attractive? i already sense the smallest inklings of age.

i am drooping, and though i know my life as a whole is not boring (i have had a very incredibly passionately varied and interesting life), and i am blessed with many good things, at this moment i feel very dull and like i have nothing to offer to a lover.

i'm surrounded by so much sex all the time and i don't know where or how i fit into the sexuality of society anymore. i don't have any context for sexuality that i feel i can fit into and get off on. i'm so confused and frustrated. loss of sexual identity is incredibly frustrating for a scorpio.

* i have no mouth and i must scream

dear vox,

you seem to be getting pretty popular! everyone likes you! you're like LJ for yuppies!

i'm very lazy right now. tomorrow i leave for NYC i haven't packed anything at all or done any of the chores i felt like i should do before i go, as a kindness to my roommate. this would include sweeping the floors and perhaps taking out the trash. i wonder if i will do those things.

i only had a very small amount of coffee today because i've been having chronic heartburn lately and i'm finally admitting that drinking shitloads of espresso every day is probably related. but i'm not 100% convinced... maybe it's stress.

new york:
yo la tengo
drinks
museums
wedding
brunch
feebee the cat
secret visits to meaningful locations with oliver
no working
drinking.

dear vox,

i have new pink hair.

i am importing eff.org into drupal and it's gotten so involved that i'm having trouble focusing, and i'm procrastinating, and it's mercury retrograde and no one is responding to my emails.

i'm talking to my friend jarett on aim.
and eating barbeque chips.
isn't life exciting?!

gee, adding images is really nice.

i am just totally freaked out by the idea of using a third party service to store my journal and posts. even though i post all my images on flickr, i also simultaneously post them in directories on my private website, even my camphone pics, with help from a script oliver wrote me.

on some level i have data privacy concerns, but i'm not sure that's the entire nature of my hesitance to use these services. i present the example of suicidegirls.com - when i first signed up for SG and started modeling there, i loved the site and thought it was a fun place to write posts on and be involved with. later, the site changed a lot and i realized that i didn't want to be associated with the SG brand anymore. luckily i had a way to export all my old posts (but no easy way to delete them). maybe that's what my hesitance is - i don't know if i want  to be associated with the "brand" of a third party site.

anyway. am i being lame?

i seem to only have "starter" invites on vox. i presume i have to post more to get fancier invites. ok.

well, since i have dedicated my life to having an account on every possible website you can have an account on, i guess i'm glad bcm invited me to vox. it looks pretty rad, but i'm not sure how useful it will be on top of the other 20 "blogs" i already have.

now, if it lets me include my elly.org blog posts via RSS, i will be psyched. or maybe vice versa.

i see warren ellis is here, though. he is always everywhere, too.